Gray hair and sleepless nights

Well another sleepless night. I am losing count of how many nights I am not sleeping. And I can't even blame it on my pregnancy! I feel fine. Baby is doing great, I am 19 weeks pregnant and knock on all the wood in the house, I couldn't feel better pregnancy speaking.

But there is that ugly topic of Caroline's surgery. I literally cannot stop thinking about it.

I imagine me handing her over to the nurses, and crying in Web's arms as they take her away. Or I imagine me and her in the operating room, and I am singing my personal song to her as the medicine goes in her and she falls asleep. I imagine sitting in the waiting room staring at the clock and Dr. E telling us everything went ok. I then imagine him telling us, "see ya next week for the next surgery." It's never ending. I imagine all the things I need to do before we leave. I imagine all the things I can do for her while we are in the hospital. I imagine all the things I can do for her while we are at the hotel waiting for surgery #2, which will take longer. I then imagine surgery #2 and staring at the clock for an additional 2 hours. It's literally all I think about. Then I will be driving down the road and I will turn around and see her smiling face playing with Elmo, and I will think that for at least 6-8 weeks she won't be back there because she will be in a body cast and I will miss that so much. She and I love being in the car together and love running errands. Even if it is just up the corner. It's always the 2 of us, me and Caroline. We put on music and dance in the car. I am absolutely going to miss those random moments. But with all that being said, I also know that this surgery will help Caroline. She will walk. She will be able to do things that other kids can do.

Recently I was in Tulsa for a girls night out. Web called me on Sunday and asked me when I was coming home. I had tons to do that day, visit with friends, go to QT, you know important stuff! He told me that Caroline was standing! WHAT?!? How could that be? I was literally crying on the Creek Turnpike. How could she be doing that? Her left femur is 70 degrees bowed. How is she not breaking? So I sped through my day as quickly as possible, without being rude and got home. Of course, Caroline didn't stand for me. She didn't stand for me the next day either. I thought Web had made it up. Or maybe he thought he saw her pull up and stand, but maybe it was just her in her plank position. So Tuesday, I am in our closet putting away clothes, I turn around and sure enough there is my Sweet Caroline standing up holding onto the side of the bathtub! She was so confused. She saw one of her bath toys and was trying to reach it, but she was also trying to not twist and hurt herself. You could see the confusion in her face and couldn't definitely hear her frustration. I quietly went to her and showed her how to get down. OH.MY.GOSH. Caroline pulled up on her own and was standing there! It was such a sweet moment but such a scary one.

Caroline will walk. There is no doubt in my mind.

Hence the gray hair and sleepless nights. I can't wait for Caroline to have this surgery so she can show the world all that she can do. But I am scared out of my mind for her to have this surgery. I guess parenthood is a lot scarier than I ever thought it would be, but I wouldn't trade it or her for anything in the whole world.

Love to all!

Thinking caps on please!

Ever since we booked Caroline's surgery I have been reading the OI Facebook posts and the Yahoo OI posts all day everyday. Trying to learn as much as possible for post op care in the hospital. We are happy that we are doing this surgery while Caroline is young and she won't remember anything, and hopefully not dangle it over our head when she is older! But how is she supposed to tell us when she needs more medicine? Or if she is in uncomfortable? I guess we'll just learn that new cry like the other cries we know.

I need some advice though. We will be in the hospital for a total of at least 8 days. There are only so many movies, cartoons, bubbles, one can watch or play with. I need toy advice. I read that I should bring something new for Caroline daily. Something to help distract her during the day. Like a surprise.

I need 8-10 ideas. She will only be 17 1/2 months so activities are limited. Plus she will be hospital bed bound. Chances are she won't be able to sit up, but more leaning on a pillow. Also, I would love these ideas to be easy to pack for the ride home, plus cost efficient! We will be there Easter Sunday and of course, I will be bringing her Easter basket. I have already purchased basket ideas. This Easter we are going with a pool theme! Pool towel, pool toys, bathing suit. She will be doing tons of aqua therapy once the cast is off.

So please. Thinking caps ON and send me your ideas!

On another crazy, exciting note, my blog is now being published on 918moms.com and 405moms.com! WHAT?!? How can my "therapy" writing that my friends had me start go "viral"?!?! Well, people know people, who know people. So check out the websites! Tons of savings, information, directories, BLOGS, etc. You name it, more than likely it's on there!

Love to all!

Decisions, Decisions

This parenting stuff is not easy. I feel like we are constantly being pulled into tough decisions and we will never know if we are making the right one or not. But I guess you just hope and pray that you get it right. Well, that plus crying and begging to GOD that you are doing the right thing! I don't know how many times I have told GOD I would switch places with Caroline if he would let me. I still get angry thinking that this is NOT her fault.

This past week we finally heard back from the dr. in Montreal, he agreed with both doctors on a different level. Yes, she needs to be rodded in all 4 leg long bones, but we also need to address the hip now instead of later. He really is a smart man. He knew exactly how Caroline's legs were placed when she was born, plus knew that she was breached. He asked Web what she was doing with her legs, ie trying to pull up and the dr. said that she will walk! WHAT?!? No one has ever told us that Caroline would walk. We have always been told, "we'll see how she develops" or "she'll let us know if she can walk". NEVER, EVER has anyone said she will walk. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I cannot believe that I will get to see my little girl walk. I think deep down, I have always been preparing myself to see Caroline in a wheelchair but to think she can walk? Truly a miracle. Of course, she will probably need help with a walker, especially for long distance but that is ok by me.

After all of this, we have finally decided that we are going to take Caroline to Omaha for her surgery. Dr. Esposito, who is in Omaha, is on board with Dr. Fassier's assessment and he will be performing the surgery. He will do her left femur and left tibia on April 14th, we will hang out for a week in Omaha, then on April 21st he will do her right femur, tibia, AND hip. This will be a longer surgery and it all makes me super, duper nervous. Caroline will be under general anaesthesia for 6 hours! But we trust our doctor 100%.

We meet next week with our local orthopedic and will "break", no pun intended, the news to him. We are hoping he will be co-operative with her post-op care. I am sure he will be but anxious to talk to him about it. We love Dr. Herndon, and don't want to ruin any relationship we have already built with him.

So as you can see, we have been busy making important decisions for our Sweet Caroline. We absolutely know we made the right decision but we have so many other emotions going through our head. I don't think I will ever get another good nights rest!

Baby #2 is moving right along. I swear sometimes I forget I am pregnant. Then I try to put on a pair of pants that are a little snug in the waist and remember! Now that the nausea and headaches are gone, it's harder to remember! Well at least for now. We go to the high risk dr. in 10 days and we should find out what we are having! We tried this week but its legs were crossed, which tells me it's another girl. But Web is still holding out for a boy. We shall see!

Love to all!