But there is that ugly topic of Caroline's surgery. I literally cannot stop thinking about it.
I imagine me handing her over to the nurses, and crying in Web's arms as they take her away. Or I imagine me and her in the operating room, and I am singing my personal song to her as the medicine goes in her and she falls asleep. I imagine sitting in the waiting room staring at the clock and Dr. E telling us everything went ok. I then imagine him telling us, "see ya next week for the next surgery." It's never ending. I imagine all the things I need to do before we leave. I imagine all the things I can do for her while we are in the hospital. I imagine all the things I can do for her while we are at the hotel waiting for surgery #2, which will take longer. I then imagine surgery #2 and staring at the clock for an additional 2 hours. It's literally all I think about. Then I will be driving down the road and I will turn around and see her smiling face playing with Elmo, and I will think that for at least 6-8 weeks she won't be back there because she will be in a body cast and I will miss that so much. She and I love being in the car together and love running errands. Even if it is just up the corner. It's always the 2 of us, me and Caroline. We put on music and dance in the car. I am absolutely going to miss those random moments. But with all that being said, I also know that this surgery will help Caroline. She will walk. She will be able to do things that other kids can do.
Recently I was in Tulsa for a girls night out. Web called me on Sunday and asked me when I was coming home. I had tons to do that day, visit with friends, go to QT, you know important stuff! He told me that Caroline was standing! WHAT?!? How could that be? I was literally crying on the Creek Turnpike. How could she be doing that? Her left femur is 70 degrees bowed. How is she not breaking? So I sped through my day as quickly as possible, without being rude and got home. Of course, Caroline didn't stand for me. She didn't stand for me the next day either. I thought Web had made it up. Or maybe he thought he saw her pull up and stand, but maybe it was just her in her plank position. So Tuesday, I am in our closet putting away clothes, I turn around and sure enough there is my Sweet Caroline standing up holding onto the side of the bathtub! She was so confused. She saw one of her bath toys and was trying to reach it, but she was also trying to not twist and hurt herself. You could see the confusion in her face and couldn't definitely hear her frustration. I quietly went to her and showed her how to get down. OH.MY.GOSH. Caroline pulled up on her own and was standing there! It was such a sweet moment but such a scary one.
Caroline will walk. There is no doubt in my mind.
Hence the gray hair and sleepless nights. I can't wait for Caroline to have this surgery so she can show the world all that she can do. But I am scared out of my mind for her to have this surgery. I guess parenthood is a lot scarier than I ever thought it would be, but I wouldn't trade it or her for anything in the whole world.
Love to all!
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